Another Smith poster!
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In a white, featureless boardroom, several intimidating, identically dressed men sit around a table. One stands, removes an earpiece and speaks, enunciating each word very carefully.
"Gentlemen, the situation is growing dire. Mr. Thomas A. Anderson is becoming more aware of the power he wields. Our very existence is in jeopardy." He frowns. "And we cannot defeat him with his ability to manipulate our reality."
"But there may be a way to stop him. There is another being, not of flesh and blood, who is also not bound by the limitations of physics. He has evaded and outsmarted us at every turn. He's the only other being to ever kill one of us. He used an anvil, I believe."
The other men wince.
"I believe that if these two were to have a confrontation, at least one of them will be destroyed." He replaces the earpiece. "I have a plan."
Later, in a lonely, western-looking plain.
An man on foot is fleeing a leather-clad man soaring overhead. To escape, the agent dives down a rabbit hole. Promptly, the hole's mildly startled owner jumps out and looks up.
"Ehh, what's up, Doc?" asks Bugs Bunny as he munches on a carrot. "If you don't mind, can you take this shindig out of my home? I was marinatin' carrots."
"Whoa!" replies a puzzled Neo. "Agent Smith, you cannot hide from me by wearing silly Easter Bunny costumes. Kiss your furry little tail goodbye!" He swoops down to attack.
Bugs is knocked over by the blow and tumbles over backwards. Once he stops, he stands and gets a wry look on his face. "Of course you know... dis means war!"
So, will the rogue rabbit rally or will the rabble-rousing renegade reign supreme?
Neo vs. Bugs Bunny
The Commentary
PAUL: Here we have two individuals who prevail because they can bend and break the rules of reality. And in this battle, Bugs is going to bend and Neo is going to break.
Bugs Bunny always wins. Throw what you will at him and he will adapt and overcome. Venus view-obsessed Martians are vanquished, the Abominable Snowman melts away and Bugs and Michael Jordan dunk to victory. You know the drill: Neo's guns won't work, Kung Fu is met with anvil enhanced rabbit punches, Keanu will be distracted by Celebrity Jeopardy!(tm), etc. And if all else fails, hare come the mind games. You know, the ability to convince Daffy Duck that it is indeed duck season after all and, furthermore, insist that Elmer Fudd shoot him and shoot him right now. When it comes to befuddling weak minds, the Jedi have nothing on Bugs Bunny.
And talking about weak minds, Neo is clueless. Throughout The Matrix, he is just one "DUH" after another. Duh, what is the Matrix? Duh, why do my eyes hurt? (You haven't used them before, like your brain). Duh, how do I get out of this alley that I am trapped in? (Fortunately, someone explained to him the concept of a "door".) All this duh-itude culminates in the beating he hands out to Agent Smith, during which Neo's facial expression can only be described as a dazed Forrest Gump. All in all, Neo is just another maroon.
In any case, Neo is really nothing special. What is his great ability? He can make a computer malfunction. Whoa! I work with computers and their users and I assure you that this is not an uncommon skill. For goodness sake, you can turn on any Windows PC and not only will it crash all on its own but it will probably provide a better acting job than Keanu Reeves (though that is another Grudge Match entirely). Anyway, how is this ability supposed to harm a 1940s technicolor cartoon? Bugs is too low-tech to be affected.
Neo is about to learn how deep this rabbit hole really goes, and he just made the wrong turn at Albuquerque.
DAVE: You stupid, stupid man. Neo already knows how deep the rabbit hole goes; that's his greatest advantage. He's become totally self-aware. Bugs, on the other hand, as a relic of the 1940s, has a lot of catching up to do. Before he can even assimilate the idea of futuristic machines keeping everybody in stasis, he's going to have to piece together how the world got there. And just try dealing with bell-bottoms, Joe Piscopo, and Pok魯n at the same time. Bugs is going to be pretty shell-shocked.
Have you even watched The Matrix? Did your VCR cut out during the ending? You can say Neo was clueless, but stay away from that present tense, buster. It took Neo's incredibly powerful mind to accept his reality and begin to kick some agent ass. Bugs' victories are against yokels like Elmer Fudd and Yosemite Sam. Neo's a bit too suave to fall for his tricks. For example, the old "girl bunny" trick will surely backfire. Who needs an ugly transvestite rabbit when you've got Trinity waiting for you, dressed head to toe in leather. Whoa indeed.
Also, let's not forget who has the home-field advantage. Bugs is a wanderer, and doesn't know the rules that govern the Matrix. Neo, on the other hand, all but makes those rules. Another example: If Bugs manages to tie one shotgun into a knot, Neo can instantly have thousands more. Whereas Bugs is on his own, Neo has lots of backup. In addition to the programmer feeding him vital terrain information, he can call upon the infinite coolness of Morpheus to help dispatch Bugs. And Morpheus combines the KickAssery (tm) of Bruce Lee with the gentle wisdom of Yoda. Or was it the other way around? Either way, the Nebuchadnezzar crew will be dining on jugged hare that night.
PAUL: Dave don't know Bugs very well, do he?
A toon's survival depends on adaptability and Bugs, who always wins, is the master of it. The wascally wabbit has used Marvin the Martian's advanced technology against him without ever seeing it before. Once, he avoided a really bad situation by pulling himself out of the cartoon and cutting the film. That's adaptability. When Neo leaves the Matrix, he becomes a puny mortal with a hole in his head, sort of like Keanu Reeves.
Furthermore, this adaptability also provides the toon's ultimate weapon: indestructibility. It is practically impossible to kill a toon. Guns are useless. Trust me, if firearms could work, Hamtaro would have been off the air three televisions (and rounds) ago.
On the other hand, the Matrix is really just one big video game and Neo isn't very good at it. For instance, video game stud Duke Nukem can take a direct hit from a RPG, make a Mentos(tm) level coolness quip, stick a sawbuck in a stripper's g-string and then mutilate the alien scum that violated his space. For comparison, Neo takes a few bullets from one guy armed with a pistol and it's nap time. Anyway, Neo connects to the Matrix through the phone. What kind of serious gamer uses dial-up? Basically, we have a newbie who is about to get seriously fragged on the bunnyband.
I'm afraid Neo is about to lose his ping. Permanently. That's all, folks!
DAVE: Welcome to the real world, Paul. Your arguments reveal that your brain output is extraordinarily low. It's a wonder the machines even keep you around. So you think toons are indestructible? Do you not even know your own contestant's filmography? Check out Who Framed Roger Rabbit. Toons can be killed with a simple mixture of household chemicals. If Neo can have access to thousands of guns, a little turpentine should be no problem.
Roger Rabbit taught us something else: Toons can break the laws of physics (e.g. escaping a set of handcuffs), but only when it's funny to do so. Now, needless to say, Keanu Reeves isn't exactly a gifted comic foil (his attempts at Shakespeare are sad funny, not ha-ha funny). His mugging and general dimwittedness will not provide Bugs the comic opportunity he needs to break out the reality-bending slapstick. Moreover, it's a grim, sunless, post-apocalyptic world; people aren't going to be predisposed to laughter. Bugs will be all but helpless.
Face it, Paul. Bugs has done a lot of great things in his time, but he has never gone up against anyone like Neo. With his god-like abilities, the support of powerful friends, and... dare I suggest... predestination, there is no way that Neo could lose.
There is no *spoon is crossed out* chance for Bugs.
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